Perception ≠ Reality

by Elisa SpainNo Comments

We often hear the phrase perception is reality. Philosophers tell us that we cannot perceive reality directly; perception is all we have. “If a tree falls in the woods…..”

As leaders, we transfer this rule into behaviors, i.e., how we perceive a product becomes what it is. How we perceive a person or a company’s reputation is who they become for us. And, at work, how our peers, subordinates, and bosses perceive us becomes their reality and drives their expectations of us. 

And yet, perception is often far from reality. Even in the physical world, if we don’t have enough information, reality can be variable, e.g., without knowledge of time, darkness can be perceived as either night or a storm.

I was reminded of this fact recently when I attended a gathering with other coaches. Coaches as a group tend to pay attention to the subtleties; after all, we are trained to do so. Therefore, one would think that this would translate to “knowing” that what we perceive may not be what is. Yet, like most other humans, we miss sometimes.

Here’s one example. On the first day, we did an exercise that was a “fun” icebreaker. Hmm, well, at least it was fun for the extroverts, and, to a person, the introverts found it uncomfortable. It was an energy break for the extroverts; it was stepping outside our comfort zone for the introverts—a good exercise for sure, yet a very different exercise for us than for the extroverts. It wasn’t until I checked in with one of my fellow introverts that I understood how misaligned my perceptions were. We talked later, and I asked him why it seemed that he didn’t recognize me when we passed each other several times during the first-day exercise, and he responded, “Wow, I didn’t even see you; I was just trying to get through it.” On that day, my perception was that he wasn’t interested in engaging with me. His reality was that he was so uncomfortable with the exercise that he disengaged completely.

Another way to say this: perception is about us, reality is about the other person.

The learning for me…

Ask a question and seek to understand the reality beyond our perceptions, and life will hold some lovely surprises.

Words Matter

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

We live in a diverse world, and at the same time, it seems we have become increasingly intolerant. The more you look for signs of both, the more you will find it. Some say we need to stop looking so hard; I say we need to start looking harder.

Diversity is part of my core; I work hard to create diversity in my life. I find people who are different from me interesting. I learn more from people who see the world differently than I do from those who see it the same. Diversity of thought is the hardest. And, groups that achieve it consistently outperform. When everyone is thinking and saying something different, the member has a richer experience and a richer opportunity to make their own decisions.

So what does this have to do with words? We have a choice. We can live our lives surrounded by people who are exactly like us, listen to news that supports our way of thinking, and insulate ourselves from anyone and anything that isn’t aligned with our way of thinking and how we see the world.

Or, we can live in the world as it is, a mosaic of differences.

If we choose the former, we need only use words in common usage in our chosen community. On the other hand, if we choose the latter, then words matter; what is heard by the listener is all that matters.

Sometimes words can seem innocuous and harmless. For example, to some, an expression like “open the kimono” is simply a colorful way to describe transparency. Others call it sexist and racist. Forbes included “open the kimono” in its “Most Annoying Business Jargon” bracket, wherein Bruce Barry, a professor at Vanderbilt University’s Owen School of Business, calls it “kind of creepy.”

Words matter in a diverse world because if we want to be heard, we must speak in a manner that allows us to be heard. Words heard as inflammatory cause the listener to stop listening and hear only the disrespect.

On the other hand, as with everything, there is another side. The side of being too politically correct. The place where we so carefully script our words that we lose any sense of honest communication.

What to do? On the one hand, increasingly, we hear words of hate and intolerance; on the other, more and more, we hear words that are so crafted they don’t mean anything. How do we reconcile these two opposing trends in our society?

I wonder if the common theme between the two is a lack of empathy and authenticity? 

  • If fear is what is truly present, rather than intolerance, how do we express this authentically?
  • Is it possible to be authentic and at the same time express tolerance of differences?
  • Is it possible to be authentic and be kind in the words and tone we choose?
  • Is it possible to express our fears and concerns while being open to hearing someone else’s truth?

Labor Day in a Pandemic – Year 2

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

When the first nationally recognized Labor Day was celebrated in 1894, the day consisted of a street parade sending up a message of “the strength and esprit de corps of the trade and labor organizations” (in the words of the AFL). 

We have come a long way since then. Today, especially in this war for talent, most employers focus on offering opportunities and benefits to attract and retain talent.

Yet, the disruption from the pandemic continues. Help wanted signs everywhere, a labor shortage stretching from unskilled workers to high-level professionals and executives. 

Pundits of all types are offering commentary on this topic. Some say it’s a permanent shift only to be resolved by wage and price inflation. Others say we have a move away from work and that automation will resolve the issue.  

The Economist recently published a report entitled Will the Rich World’s Worker Deficit Last?  The authors estimate the current employment deficit to be 3% below the pre-pandemic level. While acknowledging demand shortages, their research shows that supply shortages are more significant. They describe three causes of the reduced supply: disruption owing to the spread of covid-19, primarily as a result of disruption to migration; the impact of welfare policy and pensions, recent research by Goldman Sachs, finds that “excess retirees” account for about a quarter of the decline in the country’s participation rate; and finally “changes to longer-term attitudes” wrought by the pandemic. 

They conclude by saying that “it seems that the extent to which the worker deficit endures will depend in part on how long the disruption and the fear caused by the pandemic last. Rising wages might lure some of those who left the workforce back into jobs. But the longer the pandemic goes on, the harder it becomes for those who left to return, and the more likely it is that new habits stick.”

Time will tell. And, as always, within every challenge lies opportunity.  

In the United States, we live in a world full of innovators. I am looking forward to seeing the solutions entrepreneurs come up with to address this latest labor challenge.

 

How Do You Find Serenity?

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

Sometimes the demands of one part of our life, work or family, consume us. Sometimes because of a crisis, sometimes because of a spike in workload or children’s sports or…, sometimes just because we become depleted.

These days, mobile devices link us 24/7 to the office, our bosses, employees, and coworkers. We are, as I heard it said recently, living in time poverty. Now more than ever, it may be necessary to pause, regroup, and allow ourselves to do something counterintuitive; listen to music, go sailing, jogging, practice yoga, make pottery, or go for a walk.

Why counterintuitive? Because our responsible self says, stay with it, do the work, finish the project, take care of the sick loved one, etc. We tell ourselves it’s selfish to do something for ourselves “at a time like this.”

If we think of our lives as a three-legged stool….when one leg is gone, it won’t balance and falls over. We can’t just go back and forth between the pressures of work and family. This where the third leg, a completely different activity, one that is ours alone, comes in.

At the height of World War II, when the pressures were immense, President Roosevelt would escape to his stamp collection for an hour or so, doing something completely different. General George Marshall would ride horseback many mornings to relieve the pressures of building and leading an army of 8 million.

Consider this —

  • What is your third stool leg to balance your life?
  • How often are you trying to balance on only two legs?
  • How might you feel if all three legs were grounded on most days?

The Dog Days of Summer

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

What if we simply accept August as the time to recharge our batteries, then get started on next year’s personal or business strategic plan in September?

The “dog days” occurred in late July to the Greeks and Romans, when Sirius appeared to rise just before the sun. They referred to those days as the hottest time of the year, a period that could bring fever or even catastrophe.

Today we think of dog days as the time of the year marked by lethargy and often inactivity. Here’s another spin: What if we were simply to accept August as the time to recharge? And then once we charge our batteries, we get a jump-start on what we want, personally and professionally, for next year?

All of us possess an inner reservoir of positive energy. It is this positive energy that enables us to move forward. And the human body, like all other energy-powered machines, needs to be charged regularly.

Most of us think of recharging as taking time off. For some, time off means long walks. For others, it means sitting by the beach. Still others look for adventure. All of these methods allow the body to recharge.

And what about recharging the mind? Is it possible to refresh both the mind and the body at the same time? And, like everything else, is there a benefit to being intentional?

For me, recharging the mind comes from learning. Sometimes it’s reading about leaders that inspire me; sometimes, it’s watching a Ted Talk on a topic totally outside what I know and see daily. Taking this journey outside the norm gives me a new perspective and the ability to ask better questions of my clients as they plan for the coming year.

Find your source of inspiration. Become intentional about recharging during these dog days of August.

Better, Better, Maybe Not?

by Elisa SpainNo Comments

The notion that we can constantly make ourselves and our companies better, in theory, is a great idea. But when does it become too much?

For me, the best way to answer this question is to notice our strengths and work to enhance them. As an executive life coach, I refer to this as discovering and working in our genius.

Sometimes we become so focused on achieving that we cannot appreciate who we are or what we have already accomplished. When we are constantly reaching, it’s a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction. 

What? Wasn’t I just quoting Florence Nightingale a few weeks ago, who said discontent leads to innovation? Yup. It is indeed a delicate balance, isn’t it?

For me, the subtle difference between striving to make the world a better place and pausing to celebrate accomplishment comes with self-awareness. The stoics said it well. We must be careful not to become reactionary or to accept, without question, the status quo. We must know ourselves, know our geniuses, and recognize where and when we can make a difference and where and when we cannot.  

Once we understand and act within our genius consistently, we become more effective, more satisfied, and ultimately better leaders. 

Is It Time for Something New?

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

Our parents taught us, and we teach our children, the importance of sticking to something, the value of not giving up, and continuing to stay the course even in the face of adversity.

But what about the flip side? What about the importance of recognizing when it is time to find something new?

  • Time for the entrepreneur, who doesn’t have traction after five years, to try the next thing. And instead, she shows up every day to try, try try, but it is not fun, perhaps never was, and the results show it.
  • Time for the founder who created something special, had fun when it was small, and is no longer working in his genius to move on. Perhaps hire a president, possibly sell, maybe even shut down. And instead of moving on, he shows up every day to try, try, try; but it is no longer fun, and the results show it.
  • Time for the young professional manager to pause and think about what she really wants from her career. Perhaps, give up managing because it’s not what she likes or move from the safe corporate job to a smaller company where she can have more of an impact. Instead, she shows up every day to try, try, try; but it is increasingly hard to do. It’s no longer fun, and the morale of her team shows it.
  • Time for the mature professional manager to retire. He long ago lost interest in his work but has no idea what he would do with his time. So instead of figuring out what else may be on the horizon and meeting with a financial planner to understand his financial options, he shows up every day to try, try, try; but it’s no longer fun, and he knows life could be more full.

Is this you? Is it time for you to find something new?

What Is Weakness?

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

Last week I wrote a blog entitled “What is Vulnerability,” in which I made an effort to describe the difference between showing vulnerability and showing weakness.

A couple of readers wrote in taking issue with my description of showing weakness. 

Here is what they wrote: 

“I’m going to send this to my client who struggles with vulnerability. I would suggest something, though. Your definition of weakness – leaders often don’t know what to do and are uncertain. I tell people they don’t need to know all the answers, and it’s OK to be uncertain. They can name that and ask the group.”

“I want to argue again. The definition of weak is as bad as the prohibition of vulnerability. Weak = uncertain!!!!! Really. Where does that take leaders? They get paid to be uncertain and lead. So everyone has to pretend to be certain. I don’t know what to do, but here’s what we choose to do, is what leaders get paid for. Easy when you “know what to do!”

Receiving both of these comments from fellow coaches who I respect, caused me to pause. The second one came from Rick Eigenbrod, who has been both an inspiration and mentor to me. I responded and asked him to say more which led to a conversation and the following insights.

If, at the most basic level, the definition of a leader is they have followers, then what must a leader do to strengthen, rather than weaken, their bond with their followers?

In the military, where the chain of command is strict, it might seem that it’s the structure that defines who is a follower and who is a leader. Yet we know that followers will disobey, mutiny, etc., when their leader appears weak even in a rigid system.

So, what is weakness?

Here’s where Rick and I landed on this topic:

  • Leaders must take a stand. 
  • While leaders may be uncertain about the outcome, they must be certain about their choice, i.e., give their followers something to follow. “Tell me which hill to take,” as a client of mine used to say. 
  • Weakness is the inability to find a platform upon which to take a stand.
  • Weak is being afraid to take a stand, vulnerable is acknowledging the outcome may be uncertain, our choices may all be risky, and we are moving forward with this one because…

,