What Is a Big Deal To Me, May Leave You Wondering WTF

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

In this increasingly sensitized world, we sometimes wonder how others will interpret our words.

On the receiving end, we may be offended by others’ comments and wonder, at a minimum, how this person could have been so insensitive.

Layer on to these differences in cultures and life experiences; while some may hear a comment as a big deal, the sender may be left scratching their head. 

For me, the solution lies in dialogue and seeking first to understand. Understand what others are sensitive to, the life and ancestral experiences that may have led them to feel as they do, and why others appear to “not get it.”

Two conversations, one recent and one I had a few years back, brought this home to me at a personal level. In the recent conversation, as a Jewish person, I felt offended by comments I heard from a friend—comments that my friend may have felt were neutral. 

This recent experience reminded me of a conversation a few years ago with a black friend when I was perceived as insensitive. “You don’t understand my history and lived experience,” she said. I felt sad and misunderstood at the time because I thought I did understand. I realize now that her comments were accurate; I do not understand. Each of us sees the world through our filter.

Sometimes, we think what is right and what is wrong should be obvious, yet it often isn’t. One of my favorite examples comes from Trevor Noah’s biography. 

According to Noah, in South Africa, where he is from, children are taught that Hitler was a powerful man; the atrocities he committed were left out of the history lesson. Trevor goes on to say that black South Africans often name their children after “great leaders,” emphasizing that great does not necessarily mean good. With this background in mind, Noah shares a story about a friend named Hitler. Yes, that is his given name, not a nickname.

As young adults, Trevor and Hitler were entertainers; Trevor was a DJ, and Hitler was a dancer. The two of them were invited to perform at a school in a white neighborhood that turned out also to be a Jewish neighborhood. When Trevor introduces Hitler to the stage to dance, the room falls silent. Trevor doesn’t understand why and carries on with his spiel using Hitler’s name over and over.

Finally, a teacher comes on stage and demands that they leave. An argument ensues; the teacher is horrified that “you people” had the indecency to come here. Trevor hears “you people” as black people; now both are horrified and offended. Trevor and Hitler leave, and it isn’t until years later, when Trevor travels outside of South Africa, that he understands what happened that day.

When I read Noah’s story, I was struck by its absurdity and reminded that we must try to assume positive intent, which is hard to do sometimes but so important, especially today.

Go Ahead, Drop Some Balls

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

A friend of mine recently received a significant promotion. While he is excited about his promotion, he is searching for his replacement and, for now, is doing both jobs. When I asked him how it was going, he responded, “I’m just trying to get it all done without dropping any balls.”

This conversation reminded me of one I had with one of my clients. She was lamenting the challenges one of her executives has with burnout. In this case, the CEO said, “I wish he would learn to drop some balls; his effort to get everything done is causing his burnout!”

The’ to-do list’ can seem endless for those who want to dot every I and cross every T (I admit I am one of them). I heard this wise CEO say, ” Go ahead, drop some balls. Just choose the ones you are going to drop.”

What if, instead of starting each day with a list of what we will do, we begin by removing the things we aren’t going to do? Here are some examples to get you started:

  • What if you reviewed your email once or twice per day and let everyone know that this is your plan?
  •  What if you coded your email so critical emails moved to a priority list, and you responded to these first and removed yourself from cc lists?
  •  What if, for everything that comes your way, you paused and asked yourself, does this email, call, text, or inquiry require a response? And if it does, is this something only I can do? Or can I delegate it?
  •  What if you paused before saying “yes”?

Are We Having Fun?

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

First, I have news: I am excited to share that as a complement to my You Pivot™ Program, I have engaged with the University of Chicago’s Leadership & Society Initiative as a founding instructor and executive life coach.

Every now and then, the subject of fun comes up in a meeting with a client, with my client saying something like, “I am not having fun,” or “I don’t allow myself to have fun,” or, “I don’t have time for fun.” 

Adult life is often a whirlwind of responsibilities, deadlines, and routines, leaving little room for the joys of unadulterated fun. Yet healthy adults recognize the positive mindset that results from having fun is a necessity for mental and emotional well-being.

Recognizing this, I frequently recommend The Book of Joy by Desmond Tutu and Dalai Lama. One of my many learnings from these two wise men is that fun can mean different things to different people. The key is how we feel when we are doing it. 

My own story about having fun came up in a recent conversation with a good friend who said, “My husband keeps telling me I need to spend more time playing.”

Her comment resonated with me, as my husband and some of my male friends have said the same to me.

While neither of us considers ourselves “playful,” we both like to have fun. While our definition of fun doesn’t include going to the playground or even adult playgrounds like golf courses, we agreed that our time together in conversation is something we both describe as fun, as are our trips to exotic places and visits to art museums. 

This conversation made me wonder, 

  • Do men and women define the words play and fun differently to themselves?
  • Or is play an extrovert term rather than a gendered term? 
  • Is one person’s play or fun, another’s work? For example, an introverted, detail-oriented person might find it fun to analyze spreadsheets, while an extrovert would describe this as work.

Are You a Journaler?

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

I am told that people who like to express themselves in writing keep journals. I am not a journaler. I never have been. Yet, I like to write.

I was curious about this, so I asked some journalers and non-journalers why they journal. Here is what I learned.

My husband is an engineer by training, and he is also an artist. He designs and makes beautiful knives. He is also a fly fisherman, another form of artistry. He tells me he keeps a journal of both activities to track progress and preserve memories.

I have a friend who keeps a journal of poetry.

And I have another friend who keeps a journal of her travels.

Perhaps these Sunday Stories are my journal.

Webster defines a journal as “a record of experiences, ideas or reflections kept regularly for private use.” I found this definition unsatisfying and perhaps dated.

Do you write in a journal about something that matters to you? What is the reason you do it?

Things (and people) Are Not Always As They Appear

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

I recently met with someone who came to our meeting with a lot of assumptions about me. It was a difficult meeting, and it reminded me of the dangers of the judgments we make, the judgments I make.

We make assumptions daily, mostly about other people. Our assumptions are like silent storytellers shaping our thoughts, beliefs, and actions daily. They are the shortcuts our minds take to navigate a complex world, helping us process information quickly.

At the same time, these beliefs can cause disagreements that weren’t there to begin with. And more importantly, they can cause us to miss out on a rich experience with another person.

  • We assume a person looks a certain way because…
  • We assume a person responded to us a certain way because…
  • We assume a person took action or didn’t take action because…

In a world that thrives on complexity, assumptions are both allies and adversaries. Striking the right balance, acknowledging their presence, and learning to use them judiciously can help us navigate the intricate web of life more effectively.

What if, instead of assuming, we paused and asked questions like:

  • What is the reason you made this choice or took this action?
  • What is going on in your day? What happened before our meeting?
  • What can I learn from you about what I want to know? What can I learn from you about me?

What is the Future of Writing in the Era of ChatGpt?

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

As a writer, I’ve pondered this question off and on. 

I’ve played around with ChatGpt, asking it to draft a story that I edited extensively or giving it an outline and asking it to turn it into prose. Frankly, I’ve not been overly impressed with the result and concluded that ChatGpt is suitable for generic writing tasks, e.g., condo rules and standard letters, not creative and inspirational writing.  

And then…

Last week I asked ChatGpt to write a 200-word blog on the value of reunions. Below is the blog it wrote. It’s good! So good it caused me to wonder, does writing have a future in the era of ChatGpt? 

As part of my pondering, I’ve been reading about the impact of ChatGpt in schools. In particular, I read that the college essay is dead. Some teachers have stopped giving writing assignments at all. 

On the other hand, there are teachers who see ChatGpt as an opportunity to challenge students with a more difficult task. These teachers ask students to use ChatGpt to write the essay, and then the assignment is to fact-check and critique what ChatGpt wrote and then revise the ChatGpt response (students turn in their critique, the ChatGpt composition, and their own).

So maybe the better questions are:

  • How will writing change in the era of ChatGpt? 
  • For those of us who seek to inspire with our writing, how do we ensure our contribution is unique?
  • When is it ok to ask ChatGpt to write for us and then share, with attribution, what it wrote? 

ChatGpt’s Blog 

Embracing the Joy of Reunions: Connecting Across Time and Distance

In a world where time races ahead, and life’s demands pull us in various directions, there’s something undeniably magical about reunions. These gatherings have an uncanny ability to transport us back in time, rekindling memories and emotions that have been tucked away. Reunions offer us a chance to bridge the gaps that time and distance have created, allowing us to connect and cherish the bonds that define us.

The anticipation leading up to a reunion is like a crescendo of emotions – excitement, nostalgia, and a touch of anxiety. As the familiar faces come into view, it’s as if time melts away, and we’re left with a profound realization that some connections remain unbreakable, no matter the miles that separate us.

Reunions are not merely events but windows into our past, present, and future. They provide an opportunity to share stories, reminisce about shared experiences, and catch up on the latest chapters of each other’s lives. Laughter reverberates, tears are shed, and hearts are warmed as we celebrate the beauty of human connection.

In a digital age where virtual interactions often dominate, the physical presence of a reunion is a poignant reminder of the significance of face-to-face connections. The joy of holding a friend’s hand, the warmth of a hug, and the unspoken understanding that passes between loved ones are experiences that can never truly be replicated through screens.

Whether it’s a high school reunion, a family gathering, or a long-awaited meeting with friends, reunions offer us a chance to rekindle bonds that time and distance may have momentarily obscured. They remind us that despite the challenges life throws our way, the ties that bind us are enduring and precious. So, as we gather once again, let’s embrace the magic of reunions and savor every moment of connection they offer.

Perception ≠ Reality

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

We often hear the phrase perception is reality. We learn early on that we cannot perceive reality directly; perception is all we have. “If a tree falls in the woods…..”

As leaders, we transfer this rule into behaviors, i.e., how we perceive a product becomes what it is. How we perceive a person or a company’s reputation is who they become to us. And organizational experts tell us how we are perceived at work becomes reality for our peers, subordinates, and bosses.

Yet, perception is often far from reality. 

An example from the physical world, without knowing the time, darkness can be perceived as night or a storm.

A personal human interaction example. A while back, I attended a gathering of coaches designed for learning and connectivity. On the first day, we did an exercise that was to be a “fun” icebreaker. Hmm, well, at least it was fun for the extroverts; for the introverts, it was uncomfortable rather than a light exercise. 

When I checked in with one of my fellow introverts, I was reminded of how misaligned perceptions can be. I asked my friend why it seemed that he didn’t recognize me when we passed each other several times during the exercise, and he responded, “Wow, I didn’t even see you; I was just trying to get through it.” On that day, my perception was that he wasn’t interested in engaging with me. His reality was that he was so uncomfortable with the exercise that he disengaged completely.

Another way to say this: perception is about us, reality is about the other person.

The learning for me…

Ask a question and seek to understand the reality beyond our perceptions, and life will hold some lovely surprises.

Independence Day

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

One of the books I like to recommend to my You Pivot™ clients is Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud. 

In this book, Cloud uses a metaphor of rose bushes and compares them to our businesses, careers, and lives. He explains that a rose bush cannot support all the buds it creates. The beautiful ones only become so because of pruning. 

Cloud describes three types of pruning: pruning the good but not great branches, pruning the sick branches, and finally, pruning the deadwood. Perhaps the last two types are obvious, albeit sometimes hard to do. The first made me pause; really, I need to cut off some good branches for my rose bushes to flourish?

As I think about Independence Day, I notice the parallel between necessary endings and independence. For some of our forefathers, my guess is the relationship with Great Britain was good but not great. It certainly had benefits to go with the taxes and other challenges. And yet, despite the benefits, the founders of our country had the courage to recognize that an ending was necessary, declare their independence, and fight for it.

So, for each of us, the question becomes…

Who or what do we need to declare our independence from (and perhaps fight to summon the courage to do it) so that we can flourish like a well-pruned rose bush?

P.S. Another favorite you might like in the same genre is a book actually titled Independence Day by Steve Lopez.

Blank Spaces Are As Important As Flowers

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

During our travels in Japan, we had the privilege of spending time with a Zen Priest. He talked to us about “the way” of Buddhist teachings, including the tea ceremony, ikebana, and calligraphy. Later on, we were fortunate to participate in a tea ceremony and ikebana, and it was through ikebana that I began to understand.

Ikebana is commonly thought of as the art of Japanese flower arranging, and as with most things in Japan, there is meaning beyond what you see.

In traditional Western flower arranging, the flowers face the viewer and are fitted tightly into the vase. 

In the way of ikebana, our teacher told us, we place the flowers in the container in a way that resembles how they grow. And, most importantly, she said, “Remember the blank spaces are as important as the flowers.” She then showed us how our creations became three-dimensional when we added blank space.  

The term ikebana comes from combining two words, 

ikeru– life; and hana – flower. 

My learning — ikebana is about using flowers to experience a life lesson: blank spaces in our words, deeds, and lives enhance and add dimension to our experience.

The Secret of Life

by Elisa Spain Comment Closed

I’ve had several conversations lately with clients and colleagues about life stages. In 1977, James Taylor wrote The Secret o’ Life. The full lyrics are worth a read, and here’s an excerpt: 

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.

Any fool can do it, 

There ain’t nothing to it.

Nobody knows how we got 

To the top of the hill.

But since we’re on our way down, 

We might as well enjoy the ride.

Isn’t it a lovely ride? 

Sliding down, gliding down,

Try not to try too hard, 

It’s just a lovely ride.

I am struck by Taylor’s wisdom at the age of 27 when he wrote this, and the lyrics remind me of a personal experience with an older man years later. 

 I was sitting on a bench at the old Union Station. The man sat down next to me, and we engaged in conversation. I asked him where he was headed, and he replied with glee, “San Francisco!”

“Wow,” I said, “that is a long way to go on the train.” His reply: “There is as much fun in getting there as there is in being there.”

Taylor’s lyrics and the words of the man on the bench have stayed with me, and I often think of their words in these situations:

  • When I am too focused on getting to the outcome
  • When it’s time to pause
  • When it’s time to remember to be in the moment

As I embark on a trip to Japan in May, I plan to practice the in-the-moment secret, beginning with a hiatus from Sunday Stories. I will publish my usual end-of-month quote next week, and I will see you in June