Thoughts for the Coming Year

As we begin to wind down our business lives for the holiday season and focus on next year, I am continuing a tradition I started 2 years ago, with a wish for peace and understanding between us during the holidays and into the new year.

In this spirit, I am sharing a blog written by Linda N. Edelstein, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, Author, Professor.

Repairing​ ​the​ ​Ties​ ​that​ ​Bind

The divisions among us seem to increase daily. How do we begin to heal? How do we enter our festivities with goodwill toward all, not just toward the folks who think like we do? Since the 2016 primaries, as psychologists and psychiatrists, we have listened to people voice innumerable variations of, “I can’t talk to ….” People solve this problem differently; some opt to spend less time with family; some determinedly keep the conversation away from political and social issues; others are baffled that their family’s values of charity and religious principles co-exist with policies that lack empathy. And, then inevitably, because most people long for closeness with family and friends, we are quietly, seriously asked, “How can I talk with people who hold dramatically different values than I do” (pause) “without losing my mind?”

Our writing comes from efforts to understand the psychology of today’s politics and compile practical strategies to use. Reality might not feel friendly right now, but it is all we have. So, let go of the wishes, assumptions and expectations that you will succeed in converting people to your political point of view.

Consider a different approach. People are not coming to holiday gatherings to have their minds changed so, let’s pause in our desires to win people over to a different point of view. Let’s temporarily stop trying to find better arguments. Instead, let’s step back during the holidays and begin with engagement rather than challenge, connection rather than persuasion. Let’s simply be friendly, not to persuade but to fortify bonds that have been worn thin.

Here we go………………

Set​ ​your​ ​frame​ ​of​ ​mind​. Before you walk into a home or meeting room, set your mind to be welcoming and respectful, not neutral and certainly not hostile. Consider​: You will be inviting people to share their thoughts. You will not chase anyone down or pound them with statistics.

Listen​ ​hard​. Try to understand where they are coming from. Listening is active, requires attention, and is far more difficult than talking. It is an openness to understanding another person and does not imply agreement. Consider​: Don’t judge; don’t bite your tongue waiting for your turn. Just listen. Display interest. If you are uncertain, ask for clarification, “Can you say more about that?” “Do you have an example?” Use questions to increase your comprehension, not to set a trap. People long to be heard and will appreciate your time and attention.

People​ ​have​ ​a​ ​worldview.​ ​What is the core value they are speaking about – is it Liberty? Freedom? Empathy? For example, “Everyone should own guns” isn’t just about gun ownership. Consider​: The sentiment may be about feeling helpless and wanting more power. If so, respond to that, “You want to know that you can protect yourself.”

Listen​ ​for​ ​facts​ ​and​ ​feelings.​ Conversations contain both, whether you’re in a group of 4 or 100. Groups are more difficult to assess because multiple points of view exist simultaneously, but there will be an emotional tone. Consider​: You can respond to facts, “You didn’t get the job you wanted” or feelings, “You’re upset/angry/disappointed that you were overlooked.” For extra information, attend to body language and eye contact.

Appreciate​ ​the​ ​power​ ​of​ ​belonging.​ ​Values are at our core and lead us to groups where we feel we belong. To change our beliefs is to risk losing our group membership, whether that is a family, political party, or religion. Consider:​ ​When you ask people to change their ideas, it can be a wrenching loss. People come to decisions when they are ready.

Cultivate​ ​compassion.​ ​It may not help anyone else in the room, but it will do wonders for you. Compassion softens your anger and judgments. We are more similar than different; we all have insecurities, want protection from pain, and desire to belong.

Don’t​ ​be​ ​defensive.​ We saved the hardest for last, but heated conversations are helped by listening first and being sure you understand the other point of view before you defend yourself, your view, or your behavior. And maybe you don’t need your turn; understanding might just be satisfying enough. We live in contentious times that have strained our ties with each other. Healing will not come from the top; it has to come from us – in whatever ways we can manage to reconnect with our families and organizations. Listening is a powerful first step. Making a concerted effort to connect and listen leaves us less overwhelmed, less isolated, and increasingly hopeful that every individual effort makes a difference.

So give it a try. It’ll be the best gift you give and receive this holiday season.

P.S. This is the last post this year, see you back here in January.


Why Vistage Works

Elisa K. Spain

 

Year-End, A Time To Pause and Self-Affirm

For many of us, the end of the year is a time for self-reflection. We think about what we accomplished, and what we did not. And amongst the leaders I know, the tendency is to focus on what we missed, what can be better, what’s next? The notion that we can constantly make ourselves and our companies better, in theory, is a great idea. But when does it become too much?

For me, the best way to answer this question is to notice our strengths, the strengths of our teams and of our companies and then work to enhance them. In my Vistage work and as a leadership coach and advisor, I refer to this as discovering and working in our genius.

According to Alina Tugend, author of this New York Times article Pursuing Self-Improvement, at the Risk of Self-Acceptance, it was Dale Carnegie who ushered in the era of introspection and self-improvement.

She asserts that we have become so focused on achieving that we are never able to appreciate who we are or what we’ve already accomplished: “[W]hen we’re constantly reaching rather than occasionally being satisfied with what we have in front of us, that’s a recipe for perpetual dissatisfaction.”

For me, the best way to avoid the “better, better, better” trap is to ask the following questions about ourselves, our teams and our companies:

  • What am I (we, they) already good at? What do I (we, they) need to do to become excellent at this?
  • Of the things I (we, they) are not good at and are striving to be better at, what can I (we, they) delegate to someone else?
  • Can I (we, they) find a way to accept being adequate or “good enough” at the rest?

Once we know and understand what we are good at, and focus on that, we not only become more effective, we become more satisfied and ultimately become better leaders of better companies.

Why Vistage Works

Elisa K. Spain

When Is It the CEO’s Job to Create Drama?

One of our Vistage speakers, Don Schmincke, is well known for “Discovering The Leader’s Code: Ancient Secrets For Executive Performance.”

The primary message Don drives home is the importance of having a positive Leadership Saga – because, in the absence of drama created by the leader, your team will create their own.

Supporting Don’s message, an article several years ago in Science titled Inside the Mind of a Motivated Employee describes the efforts of two sociologists at the University of Vermont who tried to better understand the rise and fall of people’s spirits. They studied the moods of 2.4 million people by analyzing the words they used in over 500 million tweets originating in 84 English-speaking countries over two years (February 2008 through January 2010).

What they found was a daily cycle of positive and negative feelings that seemed to apply consistently across cultures, geographies, and time zones. Around the world, people’s positive moods peaked in the morning (6-9 a.m.), dropped through the day until reaching a trough by mid/late-afternoon, began to pick up in late afternoon, and peaked again in the evening.

Both Don’s research and that of Science Magazine raise the following questions:

  • What are we doing every day, to maximize how we spend our time during the positive time of our day? (Are you reading email first thing when instead you might be working on innovation?)
  • What are we doing each day to create the kind of drama that reinforces the vision we have for our business and inspires our team to do great work?
  • What results are we likely to achieve by taking action and changing what we do each day?

Why Vistage Works

Elisa K. Spain